As I near the 1 year anniversary of the start of my journey with essential oils and the new business that it has become, I became aware of a strange disconnect. I've been working hard and growing my business and team with great success, and truly loving it, so the realization of this reluctancy caused me to wonder. Why was it there? What was the cause? How can I push through?
As I sat thinking about it, God showed me a bit of insight into my life, both present and past. First thing I noticed was a pattern. I have been notorious for starting a job or project, and right around a year, moving on to start something else. Countless jobs have come and gone, many of which I truly loved, but after a year, when things start to take off, I feel the need to change it up. The only 2 things in life I haven't moved on from after a year have been marriage and motherhood. That's definitely not an option for me.
So what was the reason for the constant change? Partly job ADD perhaps. I do get bored with things very easily. But that didn't seem to be the real reason. The root of it extended much further. When I truly looked at the point in which I left, it was the point at which I was about to move up in responsibility or leadership. The point when more would depend on me, then just my personal effort to do a good job. Before I finished what would be my last contract with Disney Cruise Line, I was taken aside by management to ask how I felt about moving into an assistant management role. The thought thrilled and frightened me. Right before I left my job at a company in Medicine Hat, I had been promoted up to Executive Assistant to the president of the company, which gave much more responsibility. This was right around the year mark. Time and time again, job after job, I stayed for about a year, and then when things started moving forward, I moved on. I never left without my foot already in another door, however, always on the look out for something new, something I could be really passionate about, something I would love and find exciting and feel fulfilled at.
I had the idea and vision of success. With everything I did, I wondered and even imagined what it would be like to be the "top dog" or to move up the ranks. To have others look to me for guidance, instruction, and support. To have more responsibility on my shoulders and report to an even higher authority.
Even this blog, I realized, fell into that same zone. I began with gusto, with high hopes of becoming a popular blogger, with thousands of followers reading each week. Thoughts that I could even make money at this. Things did start to take off and I had a dedicated following for sure and I was loving it, because I love to write. Then my list of businesses for features ran out, putting value to my feature blogging and trying to make money with it just seemed to not work, and basically things that had been going quite easily started getting harder and when the flood happened here in the Hat, I used it as an excuse to get out of the habit of writing, and here we are a year later.
And now, I face this feeling again. This desire to run and hide, to give up. Why? What is it?
I can't be bored because I am so passionate about my job and serving and helping others be empowered to take charge of their health and wellness. I adore my team. I love the products.
Was it a fear of failure? Or rather, quit before I fail, so I can't be called a failure? I have dreams and goals, which to some may seem far out of reach. Sometimes they seem that way for me. And yet I see how far I've come in such a short period of time and I KNOW these goals are attainable. But the niggling fear of not making it still tingles. But that wasn't just it.
The truth is, it's the leadership aspect. I have now hit the first leadership rank in doTERRA, Silver, after steady momentum and have a huge team growing steadily beneath me. I have all these people looking up to me! I know that God has placed a mantle of leadership on my shoulders, it's one of my giftings for sure, but I've always shrugged it off and shirked away. This stems back to when I was a young girl. When in the early years of life, one doesn't fully understand what leadership is, and thus it usually comes out as being "bossy". Yes, I was a bossy little girl, and told that too. As I grew up, I became afraid of that term, or rather, being called bossy. I didn't want to be seen as bossy, I wanted to be the girl that everyone liked and wanted to be around, and nobody likes to be around someone who's bossy. At such a tender age, I didn't know how to turn "bossy" into "leadership", so I just shied away from it altogether.
Through the years, times would come up when I would need to take the leader role, and I truly excelled in it. But I never chose it for myself. I was still afraid of being that "bossy girl". If a task required a leader, and someone stepped forward, I was there to gladly work under them and help out. However, if no one stepped forward, I naturally slid into the role.
Working in doTERRA and building my own personal business, I've found that there is no way around being a leader if you want to succeed. And since I do, I made the decision that I needed to be bold and do what I was created to do, be a leader. And I've never felt more fulfilled then I do helping others, teaching, training, supporting, guiding, nurturing, mentoring and pioneering. The truth is, I found the path smooth and steady to earn the rank of Silver, though it took many hours of hard work, countless classes taught and much dedication. But the idea of pushing forward and hitting new levels, new ranks, new roles of leadership, new successes, seemed daunting, far-reaching, and exhausting. I think this hit was when I didn't hit the goal I was aiming for this summer and all momentum I had going fizzled out. I felt defeated, even though there was no reason to. A quiet month with little happening after the craziness of the last 5 months was actually a blessing, which looking back I see, but in the moment, all I could think was "what's wrong? What happened to my momentum?" I felt like I had plato'd and that I must have done something wrong leading my team and that was why nothing was happening, when truly, it's just summer.
I'm so thankful for a husband who encourages, gently pushes, and believes in me and my goals. He's behind me and beside me 100%. I'm thankful for MY leaders and mentors who are also cheering me on and believe in me enough to help me reach my goals too! I'm thankful for my team who I get to journey with and hopefully I inspire and help them reach their goals and dreams.
So now, even though I'm walking on a level plain at the moment, the next goal is sitting right before me, I just need to climb a bit further to grasp it. I'm not going to let this "wall" that has stopped me dead in my tracks time and time again, get the better of me this time! Time to climb the wall! I'm GOING TO SUCCEED! I'm GOING TO MAKE IT! Good things come to those who work hard for it :)